College students cure virus over weekend

Short satire piece

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On Friday, the 1st of May, several students still living in Ames, Iowa confirmed rumors of rapidly-declining COVID-19 cases after parties on campus and around town began to flourish around 9pm. Jean Deaux, a French exchange student majoring in Street Epistemology, attested to other rumors. “It’s true, yep,” they said. “I could see everything from my apartment above Welch, clear as a sunny day in November. Students entered the Kum & Go in large hordes – showing at least seven symptoms of the virus – but exited with beaming smiles on their faces. They were shouting something about Saturdays and buoys, haha,” said Deaux. “Physics was never my strongest suit.”

After Governor Kim Reynolds decided that it was a-ok to open up select (77) counties in Iowa, there was a silent uproar from the very upper echelons of partygoing professionals. “We can’t thank her enough!” said one student, explicitly stating that she wished to be named. “I’ve missed my friends so much omg [sic]!” It is no wonder that cause and effect are so closely related. The signed order from Gov. Reynolds allows restaurants, fitness centers, malls, libraries, race tracks and other such establishments to open back up, with some restrictions.

What this has done is that it has effectively redirected some of the traffic from neighboring counties (which remain closed) into counties that will be opening up, like Story county. Students from neighboring sub-par universities have started pouring in. From a very heated thread on Reddit, it appears that Central Campus was teeming with inebriated students, uncharacteristically happy for a Friday evening of finals week.

“It’s not the same,” said the student who stated that she wished to be named. “Bars are just as essential, not fair!” I managed to get a word with the manager of the Kum & Go as well. “No.” When I tried to contact other students who seemed to be recovering from the virus from just six shots of tequila, I was surprised to see that they were not only recovering, they were doing six additional shots just to take care of the virus once and for all. One graduate student in full cowboy garb kept shotgunning beers and whispering “If you know, you know.”

It appears that this new technique of combating the virus is being met with mixed reactions; as is the case with any well-meaning attempt at saving the world. “I cannot believe people are hating on us [sic],” said another student, who wished to be referred to as just Ice. “Bonfires and Mike’s Hards on the Quad with 32 other people? Are you kidding me? Easiest cure ever.” To my astonishment, Just Ice then went on to elaborately describe the process of how the investigational nucleotide restructures the pathogen to render it benign. “Pfft, remdesivir-shremdesivir, all in a day’s work,” he said.

The party hypothesis seems to be spreading like a wild virus – in a manner surprisingly akin to a pandemic – across the country. Even esteemed virologist Dr. Anthony Fauci was quoted to have screamed “Do it for State!” on his private Snapchat story before going AWOL. Hopefully the coming weeks show similar results and further insights. In the meantime, wash your gloves and stay hydrated!

Disclaimer: Obvious satire


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